What I Knew

I don't know when it was that I knew it was you.  I just felt it.  In my being.  I just knew.  I just knew it was you, and no matter who I dated or was with, whenever you contacted me, it was just different.  When you chatted me when I was at Berkeley, you gave me the smiley butterflies.  When you texted me, it just stopped me in my tracks.  I never knew what it was and I couldn't describe it.  I can't imagine you feeling the same, but for me, a part of me just knew.  I was silent about it because it's crazy, right?  Ludicrous!  And I knew it must have been crazy.  I was just a girl hung-up on something in high school that never really materialized into anything, that almost never even happened, but in my memories, it was so real, so so real.  I knew you didn't feel the same and that at best, you were only physically attracted to me. 

And somewhere, somehow in the roller coaster of off and ons, your feelings started to change.  It was as if overnight, your feelings had changed, and then it was like a dream came true when you fell for me too.

The relationship that I both wanted and feared was better than I could have imagined.  You were loving, devoted, warm, committed, and you taught me what love is.  Love is compromise.  I was too selfish and too attached to my own way of being, the few things that I felt could prove that I was still me, and not a woman making history only in relation to a man, not a woman who couldn't detach herself from a man, and not a woman who would spend her whole life changing for her man and waiting for her man.  I wanted to be me, myself, and I, a woman with a recognized identity that stands tall by herself.  I dove into work as a means to contribute and leave behind a legacy.  I devoted my days and nights to it, and I selfishly prioritized work over you, my lover and friend, especially when you needed me the most.  I was obsessed with these ideas of staying me that I forgot about us.  I was stubborn and selfish, and with you, I learned and am constantly learning the art and necessity of compromise in a relationship. I don't prefer compromise, but when I think about compromising vs. the alternative, not being with you, all I want to do is compromise.

But it is hard to change, to change my habits, and to consciously keep everything you say in mind, and I know progress is slow.  It's even harder when my own partner doubts me, doubts that I can change or compromise.  Habit is a tough opponent, but you're really my biggest obstacle.  You doubt me at my every step, question my every attempt, deny all my apologies.  You hope I will change but you publicly doubt me.  It hurts, and I fear you may be right, and why am I even fighting for someone that can't believe I can do better in our relationship?  You don't have faith that I will change, but maybe that's what I deserve.  What else should someone expect except what the past has shown?  I can't blame you, but when you're so vocal about your doubts, damn it hurts.

When I "knew" it was you, was that just blind love?  What was that?  Can my gut be wrong?  Because how can my gut feelings and my distorted high school feelings argue with clear-cut observations in front of me that you are not happy with me.  You want someone more supportive, more intuitive, more connected, more selfless, more trendy even, everything that you determined I am not or won't provide.

I love you, and I feel like I've always loved you, but now I have to prove to you that I'm worthy of being loved by you, and I'm falling short.  You've asked me to be sensitive and the more I open my eyes and try to read your body signals, the more disappointment I see in your eyes.  You're disappointed in me, and if I was to be selfless, it seems just wrong to stay with you.  You want someone to sense you, feel you, be your best friend and your lover, and you think I live to fight you.

I see you resenting me.  Almost everything that I've asked you to do with me in the last few weeks has been shut down: seeing a musical even though you liked Aladdin and Wicked, hiking Escondido Falls even though you claim to like the outdoors and camping, random events and Groupons --> all "no thanks."

When you talked about buying a house next year and I said I could chip in, you bluntly told me that you didn't even know if you'd be with me.  I lightly chuckled but that's when the truth stared me down that you were no longer serious in a life with me.  That truth knocked me out and challenged me to get up and fight for it, but my intentions to compromise and do better are just going nowhere.  I'm just so sad and tired of seeing you disappointed, and I'm really lost, really really lost...I'm at a lost for words and a lost of actions, and nothing seems to make things better.

I've ran Monday's events in my head over and over again:  both of us barely getting there by 6:45pm and a small disagreement about whether a family meal would feed all 3 of us.  It's so small and petty, and I don't get why that warranted almost a whole week of not talking.  It's because it wasn't really those events.  It's beyond arguments.  You said, "you just expect it now" and it's clear that this year and a half of frustration towards me has built up into a mountain of resentment, and these nonsense irritations just lit the dynamite.  I called you, and when you started watching TV, I knew you just didn't care.  You were just over it.

I'm scared what I "knew" is nothing more than a young girl's young hopes, blissfully ignorant of disconnect and disappointment. I don't know where to go from here. I really miss what we had. 

This postsecret always resonated with me.