I needed this today.
From LeLoveImage blog: http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2013/08/thats-love.html
Love isn't the wispy, now-I-love-you-now-I-don't that everyone seems to think.
I have been in love. I still am. He has the bluest eyes you have ever
seen and he kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me and I can never
get enough of curling up with him in the mornings when we wake up. I
hate going an entire day without talking to him. Our lunches together,
when we both come home from work, are the highlight of my afternoon. I
love watching him move, and the way he asks how I am, to check that I'm
really okay.
Oh, yeah. Also we've been married for two years and I'm pregnant with our first baby.
Love doesn't always look like two people drifting in and out of one
another's lives. It doesn't look like fuckbuddies and hookups and
friend-zones and continual heartbreak. Actually, I don't really think
that's love.
Love is absolutely intentional.
I fell head-over-heels for the man who married me. Our parents were
friends way back in the day, and he struck up conversation over FB. We
had a long-distance relationship for two years of beautifully innocent
friendship before we decided that he should visit, to see if this was
going anywhere.
In April he visited for four glorious days. He was a perfect gentleman,
and asked my parents for permission to court me. He even asked my
permission to kiss me, he was being so careful - it was charming and
archaic and showed just how much he cared about respecting me and I
loved it. When he took my hand in the car my heart melted, because I had
just been wishing that he would. Just before he got on the plane, he
kissed me for the first time. I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of
the day, the imprint of his light beard on my lips, wishing the feeling
of his hand on the small of my back pulling me close would never fade.
Four days after he left, I finally got up the courage to tell him I
loved him over text message. He said he knew before he left that I did,
and sent me a video response telling me that he loved me, too. I have
long since lost track of how many times I have watched that video.
When the 4th of July came around we finally arranged for another visit.
He had to work, but he flew in over the weekend, to ask my parents for
permission to marry me, and to propose. The proposal was a surprise - he
had shipped the ring to my house ahead of time to make sure he had it.
He proposed halfway up a cliff on a rocky beach, no one in sight. If you
have never been in love, I can never describe to you the feeling of
your heart in your throat and the rock in your stomach: it is the most
intense joy, the most amazing discomfort, and you can't stop from
kissing him, because nothing else matters but this huge love you feel
between you, and it's like a gift from God that he loves you back.
After I graduated with my degree, it was my turn to visit him and meet
his parents. I visited for two sunny, warm, beautiful weeks, and met his
friends, and made out with him on the couch in the evenings... it was
bliss. I boarded the plane back and couldn't figure out why I was going
back.
We were married one month later. It was a stunning wedding. We
honeymooned for a week on the Oregon coast, then he took me back with
him halfway across the country to the cute little one-bedroom apartment
he had rented for us.
It was during our honeymoon, and shortly afterwards, that I realized just how much I didn't actually know him.
Our long-distance relationship, paired with his short in-person visits,
didn't allow for me to experience his moods, his facial expressions, his
highs and lows and food preferences and insecurities and frustrations.
It all came as a total shock, on top of culture shock (moving from the
north to the south is a huge difference in culture) and the loneliness
of no friends and no family and suddenly realizing you are in love, and
have just married, a stranger.
There were several long nights of misery, of loneliness, of having to
learn one another entirely anew and understand how to live together, of
learning what the other person needed. It broke me, too many times and
for too long.
I chose to love him anyway. Just as he chose to love me. There were lots
of personality changes, lots of unmet expectations, lots of surprises
about one another, in those first six months. There was even, "No, I had
no idea when I married you that you were like this".
But we didn't let that change anything. We chose to keep loving one
another, to keep returning to the table, refusing to give up or to let
the other person go. We were in it for the long haul. I know lots of
people who would have thrown in their cards and walked away.
What we have now is so much stronger for all of that. I love him more
than ever, and he is still my best friend. We still have our fights, and
after two years it's become "We always fight about this... so what is
it that's still not working?" and we keep pursuing the answers.
That's love.
That's why I read some love letters, some breakup letters, some forlorn
and "poetic" accounts between lovers of their heartbreak and misery and I
think, "What makes you think that's all love is?"
What if love is far more than that? What if it's not just physical
attraction, or sex, or strength of emotion, or a really nice guy that
makes you feel not-lonely?
What if love is a lifestyle?
What if "love" is a fight to be patient, a choice to remain kind, a
refusal to hold grudges or get so easily angered? What if it isn't about
pride, but about compassion? What if love can't stand for anything but
truth, even when it hurts, and despite the hurt, insists on continuing?
What if love doesn't fade, because you believe that love is so much more than the emotions you feel?
My husband and I have tattooed our wedding rings. Love is not an option,
and marriage is a sacrifice to hold it. We are in this together, and,
by the grace of God, we will grow old together.
That's love.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
What I Knew
I don't know when it was that I knew it was you. I just felt it. In my being. I just knew. I just knew it was you, and no matter who I dated or was with, whenever you contacted me, it was just different. When you chatted me when I was at Berkeley, you gave me the smiley butterflies. When you texted me, it just stopped me in my tracks. I never knew what it was and I couldn't describe it. I can't imagine you feeling the same, but for me, a part of me just knew. I was silent about it because it's crazy, right? Ludicrous! And I knew it must have been crazy. I was just a girl hung-up on something in high school that never really materialized into anything, that almost never even happened, but in my memories, it was so real, so so real. I knew you didn't feel the same and that at best, you were only physically attracted to me.
And somewhere, somehow in the roller coaster of off and ons, your feelings started to change. It was as if overnight, your feelings had changed, and then it was like a dream came true when you fell for me too.
The relationship that I both wanted and feared was better than I could have imagined. You were loving, devoted, warm, committed, and you taught me what love is. Love is compromise. I was too selfish and too attached to my own way of being, the few things that I felt could prove that I was still me, and not a woman making history only in relation to a man, not a woman who couldn't detach herself from a man, and not a woman who would spend her whole life changing for her man and waiting for her man. I wanted to be me, myself, and I, a woman with a recognized identity that stands tall by herself. I dove into work as a means to contribute and leave behind a legacy. I devoted my days and nights to it, and I selfishly prioritized work over you, my lover and friend, especially when you needed me the most. I was obsessed with these ideas of staying me that I forgot about us. I was stubborn and selfish, and with you, I learned and am constantly learning the art and necessity of compromise in a relationship. I don't prefer compromise, but when I think about compromising vs. the alternative, not being with you, all I want to do is compromise.
But it is hard to change, to change my habits, and to consciously keep everything you say in mind, and I know progress is slow. It's even harder when my own partner doubts me, doubts that I can change or compromise. Habit is a tough opponent, but you're really my biggest obstacle. You doubt me at my every step, question my every attempt, deny all my apologies. You hope I will change but you publicly doubt me. It hurts, and I fear you may be right, and why am I even fighting for someone that can't believe I can do better in our relationship? You don't have faith that I will change, but maybe that's what I deserve. What else should someone expect except what the past has shown? I can't blame you, but when you're so vocal about your doubts, damn it hurts.
When I "knew" it was you, was that just blind love? What was that? Can my gut be wrong? Because how can my gut feelings and my distorted high school feelings argue with clear-cut observations in front of me that you are not happy with me. You want someone more supportive, more intuitive, more connected, more selfless, more trendy even, everything that you determined I am not or won't provide.
I love you, and I feel like I've always loved you, but now I have to prove to you that I'm worthy of being loved by you, and I'm falling short. You've asked me to be sensitive and the more I open my eyes and try to read your body signals, the more disappointment I see in your eyes. You're disappointed in me, and if I was to be selfless, it seems just wrong to stay with you. You want someone to sense you, feel you, be your best friend and your lover, and you think I live to fight you.
I see you resenting me. Almost everything that I've asked you to do with me in the last few weeks has been shut down: seeing a musical even though you liked Aladdin and Wicked, hiking Escondido Falls even though you claim to like the outdoors and camping, random events and Groupons --> all "no thanks."
When you talked about buying a house next year and I said I could chip in, you bluntly told me that you didn't even know if you'd be with me. I lightly chuckled but that's when the truth stared me down that you were no longer serious in a life with me. That truth knocked me out and challenged me to get up and fight for it, but my intentions to compromise and do better are just going nowhere. I'm just so sad and tired of seeing you disappointed, and I'm really lost, really really lost...I'm at a lost for words and a lost of actions, and nothing seems to make things better.
I've ran Monday's events in my head over and over again: both of us barely getting there by 6:45pm and a small disagreement about whether a family meal would feed all 3 of us. It's so small and petty, and I don't get why that warranted almost a whole week of not talking. It's because it wasn't really those events. It's beyond arguments. You said, "you just expect it now" and it's clear that this year and a half of frustration towards me has built up into a mountain of resentment, and these nonsense irritations just lit the dynamite. I called you, and when you started watching TV, I knew you just didn't care. You were just over it.
I'm scared what I "knew" is nothing more than a young girl's young hopes, blissfully ignorant of disconnect and disappointment. I don't know where to go from here. I really miss what we had.
And somewhere, somehow in the roller coaster of off and ons, your feelings started to change. It was as if overnight, your feelings had changed, and then it was like a dream came true when you fell for me too.
The relationship that I both wanted and feared was better than I could have imagined. You were loving, devoted, warm, committed, and you taught me what love is. Love is compromise. I was too selfish and too attached to my own way of being, the few things that I felt could prove that I was still me, and not a woman making history only in relation to a man, not a woman who couldn't detach herself from a man, and not a woman who would spend her whole life changing for her man and waiting for her man. I wanted to be me, myself, and I, a woman with a recognized identity that stands tall by herself. I dove into work as a means to contribute and leave behind a legacy. I devoted my days and nights to it, and I selfishly prioritized work over you, my lover and friend, especially when you needed me the most. I was obsessed with these ideas of staying me that I forgot about us. I was stubborn and selfish, and with you, I learned and am constantly learning the art and necessity of compromise in a relationship. I don't prefer compromise, but when I think about compromising vs. the alternative, not being with you, all I want to do is compromise.
But it is hard to change, to change my habits, and to consciously keep everything you say in mind, and I know progress is slow. It's even harder when my own partner doubts me, doubts that I can change or compromise. Habit is a tough opponent, but you're really my biggest obstacle. You doubt me at my every step, question my every attempt, deny all my apologies. You hope I will change but you publicly doubt me. It hurts, and I fear you may be right, and why am I even fighting for someone that can't believe I can do better in our relationship? You don't have faith that I will change, but maybe that's what I deserve. What else should someone expect except what the past has shown? I can't blame you, but when you're so vocal about your doubts, damn it hurts.
When I "knew" it was you, was that just blind love? What was that? Can my gut be wrong? Because how can my gut feelings and my distorted high school feelings argue with clear-cut observations in front of me that you are not happy with me. You want someone more supportive, more intuitive, more connected, more selfless, more trendy even, everything that you determined I am not or won't provide.
I love you, and I feel like I've always loved you, but now I have to prove to you that I'm worthy of being loved by you, and I'm falling short. You've asked me to be sensitive and the more I open my eyes and try to read your body signals, the more disappointment I see in your eyes. You're disappointed in me, and if I was to be selfless, it seems just wrong to stay with you. You want someone to sense you, feel you, be your best friend and your lover, and you think I live to fight you.
I see you resenting me. Almost everything that I've asked you to do with me in the last few weeks has been shut down: seeing a musical even though you liked Aladdin and Wicked, hiking Escondido Falls even though you claim to like the outdoors and camping, random events and Groupons --> all "no thanks."
When you talked about buying a house next year and I said I could chip in, you bluntly told me that you didn't even know if you'd be with me. I lightly chuckled but that's when the truth stared me down that you were no longer serious in a life with me. That truth knocked me out and challenged me to get up and fight for it, but my intentions to compromise and do better are just going nowhere. I'm just so sad and tired of seeing you disappointed, and I'm really lost, really really lost...I'm at a lost for words and a lost of actions, and nothing seems to make things better.
I've ran Monday's events in my head over and over again: both of us barely getting there by 6:45pm and a small disagreement about whether a family meal would feed all 3 of us. It's so small and petty, and I don't get why that warranted almost a whole week of not talking. It's because it wasn't really those events. It's beyond arguments. You said, "you just expect it now" and it's clear that this year and a half of frustration towards me has built up into a mountain of resentment, and these nonsense irritations just lit the dynamite. I called you, and when you started watching TV, I knew you just didn't care. You were just over it.
I'm scared what I "knew" is nothing more than a young girl's young hopes, blissfully ignorant of disconnect and disappointment. I don't know where to go from here. I really miss what we had.
This postsecret always resonated with me.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Man's Search for Meaning
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
"It is a peculiarity of a man that he can only live by looking to the future...And this is his salvation in the most difficult moments of his existence..."
"it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life...Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual. These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment...They form man's destiny, which is different and unique for each individual. No man and no destiny can be compared with any other man or any other destiny. No situation repeats itself, and each situation calls for a different response. Sometimes the situation in which a man finds himself may require him to shape his own fate by action."
"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible."
"Live as if you were living alredy for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!"
"...being human always points, and is directed to something or someone, other than oneself--be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself--by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love--the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself."
"According to logotherapy, we can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering something or encountering someone; (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering."
"We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fat that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation--just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer--we are challenged to change ourselves."
"This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any 'how.'"
"It is a peculiarity of a man that he can only live by looking to the future...And this is his salvation in the most difficult moments of his existence..."
"it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life...Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual. These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment...They form man's destiny, which is different and unique for each individual. No man and no destiny can be compared with any other man or any other destiny. No situation repeats itself, and each situation calls for a different response. Sometimes the situation in which a man finds himself may require him to shape his own fate by action."
"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible."
"Live as if you were living alredy for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!"
"...being human always points, and is directed to something or someone, other than oneself--be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself--by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love--the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself."
"According to logotherapy, we can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering something or encountering someone; (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering."
"We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fat that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation--just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer--we are challenged to change ourselves."
"This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any 'how.'"
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