And no one noticed.
I didn't do it for anyone to notice, but I just wanted to go out and see someone today. Anyone. Any friend. Any friend I'm comfortable with. No one in particular.
I called about 5 people today and they were either busy or didn't pick up their phone. That's fine though. I get that. Everyone has a life of their own. And I'm busy sometimes too.
But I guess I'm losing a reason for my heart to beat. It beats for my work and that's just sad...For responsibilities that I carry, for the tasks I promised to do, for the people I promised them to, so I won't let them down, so I can follow through for them. But that's not what I want it to beat for.
I shouldn't take it to that extreme. I know....when I sit down and think about it, I know I have friends that would be there for me, that would listen if I needed someone to talk to, that care about me. That I know. And most of the names and faces I can think of are 7 hours away. Not to say I don't have friends down here too. I do. But they're busy. And sometimes I'm busy.
I come home and people are there...but they're not. My mom has a bf and they seem to always be doing fun things, going out, trying new restaurants, seeing friends...they seem to go out more than I do. My sister has a bf and he's almost always over...or she goes over there. And she has a best friend. They're cute together...and they feed off each other. Drama escalates when it is told by them. My brother has a laptop and a TV and it seems to be all he needs when he's at home...if he's at home, which he's usually not.
I find myself snapping at my sister and my dad when they ask me to do favors for them. I haven't figured out why. I complain about my brother not prioritizing the family, but maybe I just miss being closer to him. He rarely asks how I'm doing anymore and most of the time, tries to slip out of the house unnoticed without a considerate "I'm going here..." Even when I lived with roommates in college, we told each other where we were going...out of courtesy...so the other person wouldn't worry and would no where to find us if something went down. But I digress...
I miss college...I miss having roommates who were always there when I got home. I miss "studying" which was merely listening to music, talking to people, with science formulas and psychology slides on the desk. I miss spending time together for no reason. No plans, no destination, just being in each other's presence and keeping each other company. I miss having a bf...not for the bf itself but for the company...having a person that was ready to go out, hang out, try new things, see new places with me.
Maybe I've been with someone for so long and had people constantly around me for so long that I forgot how to be alone. I'm not used to it. Maybe I need to grow up and become less dependent. I need to adapt. I need to be more independent. I find myself often not going somewhere because there's no one to go with. And maybe I shouldn't. I should go anyway.
But humans are social creatures...things are meant to be enjoyed together. If you worked all day and went home and couldn't share it with anyone, where's the fun in that?
If you ask me if I'm ok, I will tell you yes I'm fine. "I'm fine" with a reassuring smile. I want you to be ok. Don't worry about me. But at night, I can't sleep and in the morning, I can't wake up. I'm missing something.
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