The Heart BeAtS for its Loves.

Today, I wore a shirt I never wore before. And I got a haircut. And I tweezed my eyebrows. And I used eyeliner. And I washed my car.

And no one noticed.

I didn't do it for anyone to notice, but I just wanted to go out and see someone today. Anyone. Any friend. Any friend I'm comfortable with. No one in particular.

I called about 5 people today and they were either busy or didn't pick up their phone. That's fine though. I get that. Everyone has a life of their own. And I'm busy sometimes too.

But I guess I'm losing a reason for my heart to beat. It beats for my work and that's just sad...For responsibilities that I carry, for the tasks I promised to do, for the people I promised them to, so I won't let them down, so I can follow through for them. But that's not what I want it to beat for.

I shouldn't take it to that extreme. I know....when I sit down and think about it, I know I have friends that would be there for me, that would listen if I needed someone to talk to, that care about me. That I know. And most of the names and faces I can think of are 7 hours away. Not to say I don't have friends down here too. I do. But they're busy. And sometimes I'm busy.

I come home and people are there...but they're not. My mom has a bf and they seem to always be doing fun things, going out, trying new restaurants, seeing friends...they seem to go out more than I do. My sister has a bf and he's almost always over...or she goes over there. And she has a best friend. They're cute together...and they feed off each other. Drama escalates when it is told by them. My brother has a laptop and a TV and it seems to be all he needs when he's at home...if he's at home, which he's usually not.

I find myself snapping at my sister and my dad when they ask me to do favors for them. I haven't figured out why. I complain about my brother not prioritizing the family, but maybe I just miss being closer to him. He rarely asks how I'm doing anymore and most of the time, tries to slip out of the house unnoticed without a considerate "I'm going here..." Even when I lived with roommates in college, we told each other where we were going...out of courtesy...so the other person wouldn't worry and would no where to find us if something went down. But I digress...

I miss college...I miss having roommates who were always there when I got home. I miss "studying" which was merely listening to music, talking to people, with science formulas and psychology slides on the desk. I miss spending time together for no reason. No plans, no destination, just being in each other's presence and keeping each other company. I miss having a bf...not for the bf itself but for the company...having a person that was ready to go out, hang out, try new things, see new places with me.

Maybe I've been with someone for so long and had people constantly around me for so long that I forgot how to be alone. I'm not used to it. Maybe I need to grow up and become less dependent. I need to adapt. I need to be more independent. I find myself often not going somewhere because there's no one to go with. And maybe I shouldn't. I should go anyway.

But humans are social creatures...things are meant to be enjoyed together. If you worked all day and went home and couldn't share it with anyone, where's the fun in that?

If you ask me if I'm ok, I will tell you yes I'm fine. "I'm fine" with a reassuring smile. I want you to be ok. Don't worry about me. But at night, I can't sleep and in the morning, I can't wake up. I'm missing something.

Same Same But Different

Today, I drove the same streets, walked through the same halls, up the same stairs, sat in the same rooms, saw the same people, but things were different...and I believe I'm better off for it.

Somewhere Else

Maybe in a different time and a different place, we could have been perfect for each other.

Mortality

"The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again." -Achilles from the movie Troy

The glory in doom. How many things would never go undone if we knew we could live forever?

I've recently talked to someone about younger adults finding out they have cancer. A friend's friend found out recently and only has til the end of the year. My other friend also found out and is coping with it now. I always ponder the question: If I was dying, would I want to know?

Cancer could be a blessing in disguise (not saying i want it), but it pushes you to take off your superficial sunglasses and SEE...you finally SEE what are truly the most important things in life. It pushes you to invest your time in the things that matter the most, to spend time with your friends and family and nourish your relationships, to travel and see what you've always wanted to see, do everything you've wanted to do, and just F everything else. I would want to know. I would want to know and spend my last moments doing everything I thought was truly worthwhile instead of pursuing the temporary.

"We're young, we'll live long, we have a long time"...It's when we take time for granted that we waste it.

We don't have forever...and we treasure everything much more because we don't have forever. It's nice to be human, to be mortal.

I challenge you today to do something you think is worthwhile.

Write

I want to write. I want to reflect. I want to think. I don't want to be a zombie going through the motions and tasks of the day, everyday, only a person that crosses tasks off her daily checklist. I want to be a person who lives and breathes and thinks and feels and cares and shares.