Scrambled Eggs

Me: "Is this scrambled eggs?" (At Ihop)

Friend #1: "Yea, what else would it be?"

Me: "But I ordered overeasy."

Friend #1: "You should say something."

Me: "Nah it's ok. I'll just eat it."

Friend #2: "You should say something. That's why people think all Asians are passive."

I really wanted to disagree with this statement...but a part of me couldn't.

My train of thought:

WTF? I'm not passive.

It's just inconvenient for them to bring the plate back.

Ok, well maybe I kinda am passive. I am passive-aggressive sometimes.

WTF? It's not because I'm Asian.

Ok maybe it is. There's children in Vietnam that are getting beat up to sell lottery tickets, and why am I gonna complain about some stupid form the eggs came in?

Basically, I didn't want to say anything because:

I felt like it was inconvenient for the waiter to bring it back and for the chef to re-do it. It wasn't a big deal for me. I know it was my "right" to get the dish correctly the way I ordered it, but it wasn't a big deal, and I didn't care too much. It's all going into my stomach anyway.

There are so many people out there who can't even get themselves a decent meal, and I'm gonna complain that my eggs (that I'm lucky to even be eating) came out in a form different from what I originally ordered? It just seems so petty. It's absolutely nothing in the bigger scheme of things. It was a simple mistake not done with bad intentions, and I couldn't justify sending the plate back for them to throw it away and re-do it.

My roommate said it best in a blog entry. She said in Vietnam, not much seems to matter, but in the U.S. it's such a big deal. You have a bug in your water, just scoop it out and keep on drinking. I had one in my drink like every other day.

I'll speak up for things that are worth speaking up about, and I'll voice my opinion when it can bring about a positive change. That just didn't seem like something that mattered, so I didn't say anything.

what is real?

95 Questions to Help You Find Meaning and Happiness

I saw this article (http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/04/95-questions-to-help-you-find-meaning-and-happiness/), and I suppose I'm searching for some meaning, so I'm taking out the time to answer these questions and reflect:

"The questions below will help you with this process. Because when it comes to finding meaning in life, asking the right questions is the answer."

1. In one sentence, who are you? I am a womyn that is constantly inspired to do more in life by people, by stories, and by quotes.
2. Why do you matter? Because my mom spent many long hard years raising me, so I have to matter or make myself matter.
3. What is your life motto? Love makes the world go round.
4. What’s something you have that everyone wants? Supportive family and friends
5. What is missing in your life? A stable guy
6. What’s been on your mind most lately? Relationships
7. Happiness is a ________? temporary feeling. It comes and goes with new achievements, new experiences, new challenges, new stressors, and situations you can't control.
8. What stands between you and happiness? Full-time work
9. What do you need most right now? A friend to push me out of my comfort zone and to challenge me. and consistent relationships.
10. What does the child inside you long for? Cuddling.
11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? my purpose in life
12. What’s been bothering you lately? figuring out my purpose in life
13. What are you scared of? Being abandoned or left by someone who means a lot to me
14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? Writing a book
15. What will you never give up on? family
16. What do you want to remember forever? what people have done for me
17. What makes you feel secure? cuddling and/or holding hands
18. Which activities make you lose track of time? going on my laptop
19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? staying in So Cal or moving to Nor Cal
20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made? 1. I studied abroad. 2. I forgave someone
21. What are you most grateful for? good relationships
22. What is worth the pain? exercise
23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love,health, fame? love, health, happiness, money, fame
24. What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? husband
25. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year? My top 2 would have to be the Narrows hike in Utah and telling a guy I liked him
26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months? exercise more consistently
27. What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? see more of the world
28. What is the biggest motivator in your life right now? The feeling that I want something different...which means I have to do something different
29. What will you never do? cocaine
30. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done? have an on and off relationship
31. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? My friend pointed out that I'm not as happy with my life and job as I make myself out to be, and he's right.
32. What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not? politics
33. In one sentence, what do you wish for your future self? find a passion
34. What worries you most about the future? that I won't be able to cook yummy dishes for my kids
35. When you look into the past, what do you miss most? I miss living abroad in Vietnam
36. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all? midterms and finals with questions testing for minute details that I'll never use in the real world
37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies? When I saw a church friend at a wedding...before I left for college, he was a kid, and now he's all grown up and calling me old.
38. What is the biggest challenge you face right now? knowing what to do to make a change in life
39. In one word, how would you describe your personality? honest
40. What never fails to frustrate you? boys that like me that I don't like back
41. What are you known for by your friends and family? a nice girl
42. What’s something most people don’t know about you? I have a hard time trusting people that hold a neutral opinion all the time and people that are too smooth with their words
43. What’s a common misconception people have about you? that I won't voice my opinions
44. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? I disagree with people not putting the donate sticker on their drivers license to donate their organs to someone who can use them after their death
45. What’s a belief you hold with which many people disagree? the need to forgive
46. What’s something that’s harder for you than it is for most people? reaching a top shelf
47. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? honesty, generosity, someone willing to go out of their way for friends
48. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? forever
49. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of? family, college roommates, and close friends
50. What’s the most valuable thing you own? family
51. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? friends
52. What would make you smile right now? a good joke or an appreciative comment
53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? I sit in my car and listen to music on radio or on CDs
54. What do you wish did not exist in your life? bad intentions
55. What should you avoid to improve your life? negativity
56. What is something you would hate to go without for a day? talking to people
57. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true? My kindergarten teacher read us a story about the Tooth Fairy, and I thought he/she was real
58. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger? breaking up with a boyfriend and learning to cope and get over it
59. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you? knowledge and experience
60. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you truly enjoy today? watching the news
61. What are you glad you quit? my job screening seniors for depression
62. What do you need to spend more time doing? reading
63. What are you naturally good at? writing, especially business emails apparently
64. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently? days I haven't been intimate
65. What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? it's telling me to sleep more
66. What’s something you should always be careful with? investing your time
67. What should always be taken seriously? work
68. What should never be taken seriously? complaints that people never want to do anything about
69. What are three things you can’t get enough of? cuddling with someone I'm attracted to, enjoying the taste of different foods, and listening to music in my car
70. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? walk around and sleep naked
71. What fascinates you? people analyzing people and why they are the way they are and why they make the choices that they do
72. What’s the difference between being alive and truly living? your drive to wake up in the morning and start a beautiful blessed day and your appreciation that each day is a gift from God
73. What’s something you would do every day if you could? I would wake up to a person that l love that loves me just as much
74. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Earlier this year when I was into improving the printing company, reading, and hanging out with friends
75. Which is worse, failing or never trying? NEVER TRYING for sure!
76. What makes you feel incomplete? sex with someone who doesn't want to pursue a longer relationship with me
77. When did you experience a major turning point in your life? when I moved to Berkeley for college and then when I studied abroad in Vietnam for the first time
78. What or who do you wish you lived closer to? 2 friends in NY and a friend in SF and a friend in Sacramento
79. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? "‎"Love measures our stature: the more we love, the bigger we are. There is no smaller package in all the world than that of a man all wrapped up in himself."
    – William Sloane Coffin
80. What’s something you know you can count on? my mom
81. What makes you feel comfortable? soft, furry blankets
82. What’s something about you that has never changed? my height
83. What will be different about your life in exactly one year? I'll have more new experiences
84. What mistakes do you make over and over again? trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me in the long run
85. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? friends asking for favors and rides and money
86. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? settling for and finding the best in what I'm doing
87. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? going to the garage at night to do laundry
88. What promise to yourself do you still need to fulfill? I need to buy my friend a coat for NY's winter
89. What do you appreciate most about your current situation? that I am close to my family
90. What’s something simple that makes you smile? when my friend looks at me and looks away and then looks at me again and looks away
91. So far, what has been the primary focus of your life? society work (over domestic work)
92. How do you know when it’s time to move on? when it becomes unhealthy for you to stay
93. What’s something you wish you could do one more time? hike the narrows in Utah
94. When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? relationships with family and friends
95. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life? not letting myself fall in love

Reflection on Marriage

This was sent to me by my roommate, Diane, and I wanted to share because it touched me.

Marriage.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

By -- Islamic Reflections

Family's forever

"The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends, and your friends become your family."
-Danica Whitfield

Family...what makes a group of people "family"? Is it shared genes? Some type of shared blood line?

I was talking to a friend about this and his response was shared blood. Even when you're not close to a family member, that thought and that concept is still in your head. You're still thinking about it. For example, even if you're detached yourself from your dad, and he's kicked out of the family house, in the end, he's still family. It's still in your head. That makes sense.

My family: my mom, my sister, my brother, my dad, my stepdad, my uncles and aunts, my cousins.

My mom's side of the family...we're tight. We'll support each other, be there for each other, treat each other, lend each other money when another is in need, make an effort to see each other. In my family, family is important, and you have to make an effort to maintain what is important.

I am lucky. I started thinking about this quote because my family are my friends as well.

I have a close relationship with my mom. She's one of my closest friends, and a lot of people can't say that. I'm extremely blessed. She's someone I respect as a mother and as a boss. She's generous and caring and always making sure I'm well-fed. She's easy to talk to, listens to my stories, gives reasonable feedback from her years of experience. She's patient and kind. We'll spend car rides or lunches or dinners just chit-chatting about our personal lives, our friends, or even work.

Then there's my brother and my sister. The other day we were all in the same room, me sitting with my feet to my chest on the bed, my sister sitting on a chair, and my brother folding clothes. We were just hanging out, listening to relationship drama and giving advice. I thought of that quote above...how lucky I was to be friends with my siblings. How cool it was that we are only a year and a half apart each.

However, to me, family surpasses a bloodline, because there are families I have that are not blood related. Family, to me, is someone you KNOW, without a doubt, that will be there for you when push comes to shove. They are close to you, they care about your well-being, and they will continue to care for you and support you until the day you die. Friends come and go, but family is there for life. That means they have to stand the tests of time.

My Roomies. 3 of them: Kim, Diane, and Tika...all of us are totally different.

How it came about: Kim and Tika were freshmen roommates and Diane was their floormate in the dorms. I knew Kim from a student org, and ta-da!...a long-lasting roomieship.

Well, it was strange at first. I roomed with Diane, even though I didn't know her at first, but like a family, you can't choose it. It is what it is. And it ended up being perfect for me. Diane and I were more messy than Kim and Tika so it worked out because the organized messes and tornado of clothes didn't really bother me or her.

All 3 of us went from the apartment on Shattuck for 2 years to the apartment on Channing the last year when all of us slept in one bedroom. We had roomie outings to ICI (ice cream), home-cooked feasts, study dates, celebrated birthdays together, and more. My favorite birthday cake to this day is still the cheesecake that Diane made for me...the only cake that anyone has baked for me. Tika and I used to stay up pretty late studying, talking, exchanging quotes and stories on love and life, and eating fried foods. Kim and I have the most similar interests, right now being public health and Vietnam. Even with all that, I think I underestimated our friendship. Two years later, even when Tika was in Washington DC, Kim was in Vietnam, Diane was in San Jose, CA and I was in Anaheim, CA, we were still writing emails on life updates. Our long emails consisted of our careers and romances and/or lackthereof as well as struggles with our passions, uncertainties, and unfulfilled expectations of ourselves.

For Diane's bday a few weeks ago, Diane and Tika flew down from Nor Cal and Kim and I met up with them, and we spent a long itinerary-full weekend together. Kim and Tika spent lots of time planning the weekend for Diane's bday, and I was mostly the chauffeur and DD. It reminded me how close we were and how close we'll stay when we all make an effort to see each other and keep in touch. I know we'll have plenty more roomie reunions to come.

The EAPers. EAP stands for Education Abroad Program. The people I went to EAP Vietnam with in Fall 2007, they're family for life. I guess like any family, it started as a situation of circumstance...15 other random people from UC's that happened to want to go to Vietnam the same semester as me. I still remember the day at the airport, being too shy to wear my light blue EAP shirt because I was intimidated to meet the others. Then we played Mafia at the layover in Taiwan. Great trust game to start off the trip, right?

Then the next 4 months spent in Vietnam, in Hanoi, visiting Central and Southern Vietnam too. We stayed in one building together, 16 of us dispersed across 4 floors, 2 rooms each floor. We had class together, but that was the minority of the trip, it felt. We ran around in the heavy rain together, we saw a snake being killed and then ate it together, we got jipped by Vietnamese people together, we sang karaoke together, we bussed together, we visited tons of museums together. We had each other's backs because in a foreign country, all you have is each other. I enjoyed my trip. It was an exciting and life-changing journey.

However, towards the end of the trip, I looked around and I thought that realistically, I wouldn't be keeping in touch with everyone. I mean...that's pretty unrealistic right? Keeping in touch with 15 others, some from UCLA and some from UCSD. I mean...the 5 other people that went to UC Berkeley, maybe, since I'll see them around campus...but then again, I'm not even close to everyone, so maybe but probably not.

We came back to the U.S. Then the death of one of our own happened. Cars were driving from SD and Berkeley into LA as soon as we all knew. Phone calls informing each other of the news. We spent the night in LA informing her FB friends about her death as well as the funeral. That's when I realized we were a family, like really a family.

A few weeks ago, we weren't hearing a response from one of the EAPers. Our texts and phone calls were unreturned...unlike him. We ended up finding him at a medical center. Those of us that knew informed the others and made visits to him as often as we could during visiting hours.

On top of that, being with the EAPers has pushed me to do active things that have pushed my body to the limits. We've hiked for 14hrs at Half Dome (Yosemite) and a 12 hours at the Narrows (Zion in Utah) and these people I would trust with my life...if I ever got injured or hurt, they would do the best they could to get me out and support me. Family's not a word to be thrown around. It's a serious word, and my EAP family, I would trust with my life.