Love Series Part 2: Does love last forever?

I always ask people if love lasts forever. My mom says it does not...she says you can love someone for a period of time and feel like you could do anything for them and then not feel that way afterwards.

I look at divorces very curiously because I always think to myself that despite their shitty relationship right now, this couple that is fighting and arguing all the time...they were once "in love"...madly and deeply in love. They once believed in a lifetime together, they once envisioned a forever together, a marriage that would last the rest of their lives.

I always ask people that question..."Does love last forever?" I ask so I can hear what they say and why they say it, but I already have my own answer. To me, it does...it must...or how else could you distinguish the difference between like and love?

Love Series Part 1: Have you ever been in love before?

"How many times have you been in love?"

My friend answered something along the lines of this: At the time, I thought I was in love every time I said it, but over time, my definition of love has changed. Now looking back, I've really only been in love once.

Funny this concept of romantic love.

In middle school, I had a big crush on this guy. I looked forward to chatting with him on AIM everyday. I felt like I could confide in him and he made me laugh. Because of him, I looked forward to school and looked forward to going home. To me, that was love...the you're-the-reason-I-live-and-go-to-school type of love.

In high school, I met an older guy and chatted with him over AIM every day. Eventually that became talking on the phone every day. My first time really liking a guy. I looked forward to ending my day talking to him and was always excited to see him randomly at school even though I tried my best not to show it. When we held hands, there was a mixed feeling of comfort and excitement, and to this day, I still distinctly remember the feeling. To me, that was love...the my-heart-skips-a-beat for you kinda love.

Also in high school, I dated someone who was totally polar opposite of me. Everyone saw it, but you know what? Somehow we found common ground...the little things...like a radio station. When I dated him, I smiled when I came into classrooms and he taught me how to appreciate my family. I feel like he is the reason I appreciate my dad. I thought it would last longer than it did. It was my first time crying over a guy. To me, that must have been love...the heart-wrenching-damnit-it-was-supposed-to-work-out kinda love.

In college, I met a guy, a friend of a friend...my first boyfriend. Up until then, I never put must effort into a relationship because I didn't think it could last. He was the first guy I believed that..."hey, it might work out." We were both first-born children, both raised by our grandmas as our parents went to work, both Berkeley students...a lot in common. He took me on adventures and traveled with me to places that I've never been to. With him, I knew no bounds...and I was willing to wait for him for however long it took for him to want to be with me. It was the first time I told a guy that I loved him. It was the first time I realized how crazy girls, namely me, are. To me, that was love...the I-will-do-anything-to-be-with-you type of love.

After college, I met a guy in another country...and guess what? I fell "in love" again...a love that surpassed cultural and language barriers. Some type of shocking electric connection...the you-must-be-the-one type of love.

And I feel differently now.

Have I ever been in love? I don't even know how to answer that question.

The Meaning of Life

I think there must be more to life than this. Our lives are like a gust of wind. We are born and with certainty, we will die. Another day we live is another day we are closer to dying.

Then I keep wondering, what is the purpose of life if we live only a few decades at most? We all die, and most of us are forgotten. I cannot live forever, so I focus on the things that can continue. I want to contribute to things that will continue to grow, something that will last. I want to give back to the community. I want to produce positive change in the lives of others or promote change in organizations I'm involved with.

The Beauty of Traveling

I was watching the travel channel yesterday with a friend, and we talked about how people you meet abroad mean so much more to you. I still remember Xue from Shanghai (whom I met in VN), Polly from Hong Kong (met her at Korea's airport), Thuong from Malaysia, Ray Gordon from VN (who I got to see in the States)...funny how you can only meet some people once or twice and you want to open yourself up to them. If they ever come to Southern CA, I want to offer them my bunk bed. I dunno why!

If I met someone here, chances are I wouldn't try to contact them again, but when I meet them abroad, I'll make the effort to see them again. Maybe because choices are limited abroad...it's not like you're bombarded with friends or anything..."don't everyone try to hang out with me now." So you value them. When I have a common interest or commonality or just a comfort, I WILL see them again or at least email or FB them if I don't get the chance to see them again. When I'm traveling and when I'm abroad, I'm open...open to meeting people, open to exploring things, open to doing new things. And time is always limited when you're away, so I make the most of it.

My friend asked me if I could live forever, would I? I would not. Because if I knew I was gonna live forever, there would be so many things I probably wouldn't have done...when you know time is limited and opportunities to connect with people are limited, you take advantage of it.

Traveling is not only being in a different place, seeing different ways of living, and meeting different types of people. It's also approaching things more openly.

The Heart BeAtS for its Loves.

Today, I wore a shirt I never wore before. And I got a haircut. And I tweezed my eyebrows. And I used eyeliner. And I washed my car.

And no one noticed.

I didn't do it for anyone to notice, but I just wanted to go out and see someone today. Anyone. Any friend. Any friend I'm comfortable with. No one in particular.

I called about 5 people today and they were either busy or didn't pick up their phone. That's fine though. I get that. Everyone has a life of their own. And I'm busy sometimes too.

But I guess I'm losing a reason for my heart to beat. It beats for my work and that's just sad...For responsibilities that I carry, for the tasks I promised to do, for the people I promised them to, so I won't let them down, so I can follow through for them. But that's not what I want it to beat for.

I shouldn't take it to that extreme. I know....when I sit down and think about it, I know I have friends that would be there for me, that would listen if I needed someone to talk to, that care about me. That I know. And most of the names and faces I can think of are 7 hours away. Not to say I don't have friends down here too. I do. But they're busy. And sometimes I'm busy.

I come home and people are there...but they're not. My mom has a bf and they seem to always be doing fun things, going out, trying new restaurants, seeing friends...they seem to go out more than I do. My sister has a bf and he's almost always over...or she goes over there. And she has a best friend. They're cute together...and they feed off each other. Drama escalates when it is told by them. My brother has a laptop and a TV and it seems to be all he needs when he's at home...if he's at home, which he's usually not.

I find myself snapping at my sister and my dad when they ask me to do favors for them. I haven't figured out why. I complain about my brother not prioritizing the family, but maybe I just miss being closer to him. He rarely asks how I'm doing anymore and most of the time, tries to slip out of the house unnoticed without a considerate "I'm going here..." Even when I lived with roommates in college, we told each other where we were going...out of courtesy...so the other person wouldn't worry and would no where to find us if something went down. But I digress...

I miss college...I miss having roommates who were always there when I got home. I miss "studying" which was merely listening to music, talking to people, with science formulas and psychology slides on the desk. I miss spending time together for no reason. No plans, no destination, just being in each other's presence and keeping each other company. I miss having a bf...not for the bf itself but for the company...having a person that was ready to go out, hang out, try new things, see new places with me.

Maybe I've been with someone for so long and had people constantly around me for so long that I forgot how to be alone. I'm not used to it. Maybe I need to grow up and become less dependent. I need to adapt. I need to be more independent. I find myself often not going somewhere because there's no one to go with. And maybe I shouldn't. I should go anyway.

But humans are social creatures...things are meant to be enjoyed together. If you worked all day and went home and couldn't share it with anyone, where's the fun in that?

If you ask me if I'm ok, I will tell you yes I'm fine. "I'm fine" with a reassuring smile. I want you to be ok. Don't worry about me. But at night, I can't sleep and in the morning, I can't wake up. I'm missing something.