Creating Yourself

"Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Every single day of your life, you have the freedom to make decisions. Every single day with every single decision, you are deciding the type of person you want to be.  Every human being gets 24 hours a day, and some of us have created electricity and changed the face of the world and some of us have provided a warm, loving, and supportive family for our loved ones.  Some of us have traveled the globe, and some of us have sacrificed everything for love.  And many of us spend every day dreading our daily work and passively trudging through life, dreaming of a better tomorrow.

Right now, we get to prioritize your life the way we want to.  Give yourself a chance for change. Every day, we get to choose what version of ourselves we want to be, so do something you love, something that drives you, that transforms you. It is so easy to get comfortable with the way things are but sometimes you have to remove the old to give room for something new, even if the outcome is uncertain.  Uncertainty and being uncomfortable can often bring about life's most memorable moments.  "If you're uncomfortable, you're growing."

In Memory Of Tim Zuniga

Dear Tim,

It's been a few months since we last spoke.  I didn't realize that we'd never get to talk again.  I found out last week.  I visited Nor Cal the weekend before you passed and I neglected to call.  I thought that my weekend was so crunched with events that we could always hang out another time, but we will never get that chance.

The thing that I'll miss the most about you was that you always made me feel like I mattered.  I was one out of several thousand Cal students, one who just needed any job to pay for rent, and against all odds, I got a job walking people home at night.  I got to meet you, my boss, but you were more than just a boss, you were a mentor to me, and for that, I'll truly miss you.  You always reminded me that I was smart, a fast learner, with a "good head on my shoulders."  You told me that I was one of your favorites at work, and to be honest, I never understood why.  I didn't say too much and I definitely wasn't a dominant personality in the program.  I didn't think I did much to leave any impression.

However, despite what I thought, you made it clear that I was a somebody, and you never stopped making an effort with me.  You were the only supervisor/manager/boss I've ever had that has made an effort with me even after I stopped working for you, the only one to still call me when you came to Southern CA, the only one to always make time for me whenever I visit Nor Cal, the only one to Facebook message me just to see how I'm doing, and the only one to leave me a long voicemail when you knew my friend passed away. 

I'll miss your Facebook messages and your long responses about your life and your numerous interesting (but long) stories that you always shared with me when we met up.  You were never shy to open up about your past or your present, as crazy as the stories were, and I learned a lot from you.  I never expressed how much I appreciated that you cared about me and cared to share your life lessons with me, and I'm sure I'm just one of many many lives you've touched. Thank you for all your love and care.

-Jennifer Pham #196


“And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn’t crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I’ve never gotten over his death. Often I think what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands? He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on.”
― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Rain of Warmth (written 12/23/10)

Outside, the cold, hard raindrops splash loudly on the cement, liquid breaking, and the roaring winds clutch each by the throat and throw them from place to place.

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But listen to the gentle drops of water that trickle down the window.

The rain is not cold. It's not harsh. It's not solemn. It's not somber. It's not gray.

Rain is cozy weather. It's an excuse to spend time together.

It's the perfect weather for cuddling.

It's the time to stay in. Play board games. Watch movies. Prep and cook. Wash dishes. Do a lot of nothing.

It's the weather for long socks and hot cocoa and hot showers.

The regular pitter patter sings me lullabies to sleep.

When it rains, it's cold outside, but it's warm with you. Your feet keep my feet warm. :-)

Rain, to me, is the warm home that illuminates the darkness.

That is the rain I miss.

-J.Pham

Self-Help Books

That's right. I read self-help books...and I like them. That's right, you heard right.

My friend asked me if I was embarrassed about reading them...and I was like "Whaaaaaat? Of course not....why should I be?" People try to improve themselves in academics, in sports, build skills to climb in their careers. So what is life?...only the biggest class, the biggest sport, the biggest career in your life. Why shouldn't you focus on trying to improve your life and every aspect of it? What's wrong with making goals and resolutions? What's so bad about learning how to improve my relationships and interpersonal skills? What's embarrassing about opening my mind to alternative life perspectives?

I'm not embarrassed. I read self-help books, and I think I'm awesome.

Washing Dishes

When friends become your family:

When you cook for them, they wash the dishes...and you don't have to dance around and play the "no you don't have to" dance. Courtesy gets cut because the petty and polite mannerisms don't matter. You're family.

I remember in Vietnam, someone telling me I don't have to say thank you because we're friends. I thought about that for a while. It's not that I'm advocating for not thanking and appreciating people. It's the concept that you are very polite to strangers, and you maintain a distance. When you're close, you're more free and frank to do and say as you please and the little things don't matter.

I remember I had 2 friends in college. They would cook for me, and I'd always be doing a sink full of dishes. Hell, they probably just invited me over to do the dishes...one of them at least. haha. But it's cool, because we're family, and he feeds me, so I'm happy to do my part...in doing the dishes.

Treading a Line

I'm treading the line between morality and immorality, although in good consciousness, I know in my heart that I'm clearly on the side of immorality. Society can label it and act like it's ok and it's acceptable as long as 2 parties consent, but in my heart I know that it's not right, not how things are supposed to be. So why keep doing it if it's wrong?

I guess that's the thing about addictions. You can't stop. You fall, you realize it's bad for you, you quit, and then you fall and the cycle starts all over again, over and over like a song on loop playing over and over again.

How I'd Like to Live Life (written Monday, January 05, 2009)

How I'd like to live life

1. Continuously write—to share, to inspire, to transform, to heal.
2. See mistakes not as regrets but as learning experiences.
3. Do things out of love. Love is selfless, serving, sacrificing. “Love makes the world go round.” Love for and from others makes life worth living.
4. Serve others. All great leaders first and foremost sacrifice in service of others.
5. Invest my time in relationships. When I am on my deathbed, I don’t want to be holding onto bank statements or report cards. I want to be bathing in the care of my friends and family. Give people roses when they can still smell them.
6. Appreciate every day. “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” Some people would give anything for just one more day to live, to walk, to breathe, to learn, to love.
7. Travel the world. The world is my playground. Why limit myself only to what I’ve seen when there’s a whole world waiting for me to discover it? Different cultures, peoples, and stories eagerly wait to crush my misconceptions, dissolve my stereotypes, and astound my mind.
8. Never stop learning. I am never too old or too wise to learn. My college professors introduce me to a limited field of knowledge but urge me to aim for the unending horizon of research.
9. Never be ashamed of my circumstances but instead take pride in how I respond to them. Life is like a poker game. We play the cards we are dealt. I hope to have the “strength to accept the things that I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
10. Never forget to put myself in the shoes of others. "Lives that flash in sunshine, and lives that are born in tears, receive their hue from circumstances." I want to remember that people are not just people and their actions, but a consequence of years of social circumstances as well. Everyone carries at least one secret that would break hearts and if we all remembered that, this place would be a better place.
11. Have the strength to let go. Sometimes attachments are so deeply rooted that it hurts to let go, but the truth has to be accepted and put behind us.
12. Forgive. “If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart.”

Your Personal Legend

My college roommate gave me a book called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho for Christmas. I've been reciting ideas from it for the last week. I thought I'd share some quotes that really touched me.

"'Everyone, when they are young, knows what their Personal Legend is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to year for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their Personal Legend...

It's a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your Personal Legend. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth...To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation...And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.'"

"'When people consult me, it's not that I'm reading the future; I am guessing at the future. The future belongs to God, and it is only he who reveals it, under extraordinary circumstances. How do I guess at the future? Based on the omens of the present. The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity...And God only rarely reveals the future. When he does so, it is only for one reason: it's a future that was written so as to be altered.'"

"'The wise men understood that this natural word is only an image and a copy of paradise. The existence of this world is simply a guarantee that there exists a world that is perfect. God created the world so that, through its visible objects, men could understand his spiritual teachings and the marvels of his wisdom...

The desert will give you an understanding of the world; in fact, anything on the face of the earth will do that. You don't even have to understand the desert: all you have to do is contemplate a simple grain of sand, and you will see in it all the marvels of creation....

Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World, and it will one day return there.'"

"'Even though I complain sometimes,...it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly.

...

'Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.'"

"'Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him...We, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, toward its own fate. But unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them--the path to their Personal Legends, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place.

So, we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won't be heard: we don't want people to suffer because they don't follow their hearts...

Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer.'"

No Logic

‎"There's really no logic that can completely explain and rationalize any situation that involves feelings." -Tika

Scrambled Eggs

Me: "Is this scrambled eggs?" (At Ihop)

Friend #1: "Yea, what else would it be?"

Me: "But I ordered overeasy."

Friend #1: "You should say something."

Me: "Nah it's ok. I'll just eat it."

Friend #2: "You should say something. That's why people think all Asians are passive."

I really wanted to disagree with this statement...but a part of me couldn't.

My train of thought:

WTF? I'm not passive.

It's just inconvenient for them to bring the plate back.

Ok, well maybe I kinda am passive. I am passive-aggressive sometimes.

WTF? It's not because I'm Asian.

Ok maybe it is. There's children in Vietnam that are getting beat up to sell lottery tickets, and why am I gonna complain about some stupid form the eggs came in?

Basically, I didn't want to say anything because:

I felt like it was inconvenient for the waiter to bring it back and for the chef to re-do it. It wasn't a big deal for me. I know it was my "right" to get the dish correctly the way I ordered it, but it wasn't a big deal, and I didn't care too much. It's all going into my stomach anyway.

There are so many people out there who can't even get themselves a decent meal, and I'm gonna complain that my eggs (that I'm lucky to even be eating) came out in a form different from what I originally ordered? It just seems so petty. It's absolutely nothing in the bigger scheme of things. It was a simple mistake not done with bad intentions, and I couldn't justify sending the plate back for them to throw it away and re-do it.

My roommate said it best in a blog entry. She said in Vietnam, not much seems to matter, but in the U.S. it's such a big deal. You have a bug in your water, just scoop it out and keep on drinking. I had one in my drink like every other day.

I'll speak up for things that are worth speaking up about, and I'll voice my opinion when it can bring about a positive change. That just didn't seem like something that mattered, so I didn't say anything.

what is real?