The Flower That Never Finished Blooming

Over three years ago, on Valentine's Day, my friend died. Just like that. Sudden. Died. Gone. Forever.

She died, and I couldn't feel sorry for her. This was no car accident. This wasn't cancer. This was a choice. All of these people trying to hold on for dear life, so that they could see their child's wedding, see their grandchildren born, enjoy life with their partner even if just for another day...all of these people just praying for the health that she had so that they could see more, more of what this world has to offer...and she gave it all up. During morning band practice, my band teacher always said "look around you. People would die to be in your position right now, to be able to walk on the grass under the sun." She took the luxuries of life and health for granted. She threw it all away.

She threw it all away for this:

Her friends wondering if she was missing, calling all over the place to find out where she was, fearing and not knowing where she was, who she was with, what could have been happening to her.

Her mom finding the corpse of her 21 year old daughter in her bedroom.

Her family and friends dropping everything to fly in and drive to Orange County to see her one last time.

Her friends all posting on her Facebook page asking her to tell them, to respond to them, telling them it's not true.

Her younger sisters at a funeral, wearing white, being forced to understand what a family tragedy looks like.

I couldn't help feeling like..."You're fuckin selfish."

And then I took a step back, and I wondered, and I still wonder how bad does life have to be to make me want to kill myself...to throw all of it away? Do I have to be absolutely hopeless? Or hopeful for a better place after I'm gone? Is it courage or cowardice to go? To stay? Is it vengeance?...to get back at someone for not caring more or showing more attention? Is it a feeling of "I'll show them"?

I can't imagine what she went through...what it feels like to be at your breaking point...being so sure about giving it all up. I wonder that if she knew how many people she hurt when she left, would she still have chosen the same path? Did she not know? Or is that selfish of me expecting her to live for others?

But in the end, all I have are speculations. I don't know why she did what she did, but all I know is at her funeral, I saw genuine sadness, genuine confusion, genuine guilt, genuine change in their lives.

I keep imaging her mom accomplished after many difficult hours as she gives birth to a beautiful baby girl, smiling that anything is possible, optimistic that she will give this little girl the best life possible, everything she never had. And then I imagine her mom, feeling like a failure, living in that house tainted with her daughter's death, passing by an empty bedroom with a sight that constantly bleeds into her memories. I imagine guilt trickling through her veins every day until the day she dies. I imagine that it would be like someone tearing your chest apart and ripping out your heart. How horrific is it when someone harms your child? How horrific is it when the person you cannot protect your child from is herself?

We were friends, me and her. I can't say we were close, but we were friends. We lived together in the same house for 4 months abroad. I would say we were family actually...she wasn't someone I chose to live with, but she was someone I would support because God had picked it out that way. For some reason, we were two stars plucked out of the sky to live together in the same house at the same time for those 4 months.

I keep thinking...if I had said something differently, if I had noticed she was depressed, if I had sparked some hope in her somehow, if something changed in history, would this story have still played out the same? And in my gut, I feel like if something could have changed, the story would have been different. And I don't know if that something could have been me. I wasn't that close to her, but then again sometimes you don't have to be close to someone to change the course of their lives...you just share that glimmer of hope, that bag of optimism, that sea of support, and sometimes when you least expect it, you strike a cord with them that changes a life.

I try to remember that when I'm around strangers...many of them are your friends and family just waiting to happen.

Her stepfather said she was like a blooming flower, and she gave it all up. The world was at her fingertips. He told us don't ever give up. He told us we have so much to look forward to. He said don't be like her. Don't give all of it up.

Sometimes I fear that one day I will want to give up on life and I fear that one day I will cease to find the activities, the relationships, and the learning to be interesting or intriguing. So I try...I try to keep learning and doing new things and find ways to contribute to the community....my efforts to engage myself in life. And I try to respond to people who want to hang out or spend time with me as best I can because she taught me that life and death hangs on a thread, and that thread can topple over in seconds. So I try....I try to prioritize family and friends because they are more important than money and property, than academic grades, than artificial accomplishments or rewards. Life is like a relationship...you have to make an effort to have a great one.

Sometimes you feel like you're in a dark tunnel by yourself, but there's a light out there if you keep going. If you stop, you cut off your chances of ever getting a glimpse of the light. I haven't found a love that I want to spend the rest of my life with yet. I haven't felt the pain of childbirth yet. I haven't given a toast at my siblings' weddings yet. I haven't become truly financially independent yet. I haven't been sky-diving yet...or bungee jumping. There's a billion places I haven't seen, and billions of people I have not yet had the chance of meeting. When I get sad or lonely, I try to keep all of this in mind ...a wondrous amount of things that life has to offer.

I hold her close to my heart. We weren't that close in her life, but she's dear to my heart because of all the life lessons she has taught me through her death. It's been over 3 years, and I still wonder...the kind of woman she would have grown up to be, what she could have contributed to society, the laughs she could have brought, the hugs she could have given, the advice she would have shared, even the tangerines she would have peeled. Everything was taken away the moment she chose to take the path less traveled. That's the sad part about death. The world misses out on all of this.

A quote from Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury:

"'When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world, and he helped clean up the slum in our town; and he made toys for us and he did a million things in his lifetime; he was always busy with his hands. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for all the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands. He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on.'"

-J.Pham

Kindness over Genius

Love it.

I am a workaholic. I want to be more kind, with more attempts to keep in touch with friends and family, more present mentally and physically. I want to exercise and be active more and care about my health more and cook more.

My Involvement in Mentorship (your participation would be great!)

Hi Everyone,

I'm volunteering as a mentor for a mentorship program called Project MotiVATe (www.projectmotivate.org). It's a mentorship for Vietnamese-American teens. I was one of the coordinators last year and now I'm a mentor this year.

We hold workshops and monthly events that address Vietnamese culture, promote civic engagement, and encourage higher education. I volunteer every Wednesday night there and also some weekends. I continue to volunteer at Project MotiVATe because I want to play my part in instilling in the youth a pride and appreciation for their culture, their language, their family, and their community. It's a really great program, and everyone from the board members to coordinators to mentors are ALL VOLUNTEERS.

Right now, we have a higher demand for mentees to get into the program than we can accommodate for with our current resources and space and had to turn away a few of the mentee applicants. Although the program is made up of all volunteers, it actually takes about $15,000 to run this program to rent the space, provide food, get quality guest speakers, and more.

In 2 weeks, we have our Gala fundraiser coming up to raise money for our program (http://projectmotivate.org/gala/?page_id=2). It takes place Friday March 25, 2011 at 6:30pm at Mon Cheri Restaurant in Anaheim. Please come and support.

Gala is an evening long event including 8-course meal, opportunity drawing, auction, and entertainment provided by various performers. It is also an opportunity for the community to learn about the services that Project MotiVATe offers its at-risk Vietnamese American Youth and support its efforts for tomorrow’s success.

Tickets are $50 (Students $40), and you can buy from me or you can buy online at http://projectmotivate.eventbrite.com.

If you cannot attend, you can also donate to the cause and the program by:

1) Online donation through our website.

The money gets routed through Network for Good and deposited with OCAPICA, our fiscal sponsor. Website is here:

https://www.networkforgood.org/donation/ExpressDonation.aspx?ORGID2=912047245

Please make sure you fill out "Project MotiVATe" in the designation box.

2) Write a donation check. Checks need to be made out to "OCAPICA," with "Project Motivate" in the memo line.

Please mail to me or hand the check to me, and I can bring it to OCAPICA:

Jennifer Pham

11931 Euclid St.

Garden Grove, CA 92802

Or you can also mail it straight to OCAPICA:

Attn: Leslie Nguyen

12900 Garden Grove Blvd. Suite 214A

Garden Grove, CA 92843

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND YOUR TIME!

You can read more about my experience with Project MotiVATe here:

After coming back home to Orange County from 4 years of college at UC Berkeley, I was looking for a way to contribute to the Vietnamese-Amerian community in Orange County. At Berkeley, I had mentored Southeast Asian high school students, so when I heard about Project MotiVATe, a mentorship for Vietnamese-American teens, I immediately wanted to find out how to get involved.

When I was younger, I rarely spoke Vietnamese in public, like most Vietnamese-American teens. I couldn't put a name to it at the time, but now looking back on it, I would call it "shame." I didn't mind admitting I was Vietnamese, but I didn't want to speak Vietnamese in front of classmates for fear of being labeled a "FOB" (Fresh Off the Boat). It was my effort to avoid that stereotype.

It wasn't until college that I learned to appreciate my Vietnamese heritage. Through mentoring Asian American students at Berkeley and studying abroad in Vietnam, I came to better understand my Vietnamese-American identity. These organizations helped me mature as a person and share with the youth what I had learned: we are the aftermath of a war that had nothing to do with us but everything to do with us, a war that placed Southeast Asian faces on a continent far from its origin. We are our own community, a diaspora of Southeast Asians in the U.S. in search of a better life.

As a result of the War in Southeast Asia, also commonly known as the Vietnam War, our grandparents, our parents, our aunts, our uncles, our siblings are looked down upon on a daily basis for talking with an accent. They are the minorities that are discriminated and stereotyped in a country in which they don’t look like the majority. They are the laborers that we, their children, blamed and resented for not spending more time with us because they, not wanted to, but needed to work long hours to raise us.

However, let’s not forget that these people are the few who daringly risked everything to leave the country with only faith and hope in their pockets. They are also the courageous activists who chose to take a stand, who refused to succumb to the chains of unspoken injustices, unexplained imprisonments, and unjustified killings. They are the sacrificing solders, the courageous fighters, the daring heroes, the resilient survivors that have crossed oceans, skies, fields, and war zones to get us into school, to get us a safe education, so that we could have a better future than they did.

Despite the large number of Vietnamese-Americans living in Orange County, there are currently no mentoring programs available free of charge to academically and socially at-risk Vietnamese youth. Addressing this need, Project MotiVATe offers a culturally relevant mentorship program as well as free academic tutoring every week—at no financial cost to families. With an entirely volunteer-run staff, Project MotiVATe also offers workshops and monthly events that address Vietnamese culture, promote civic engagement, and encourage higher education. I continue to volunteer at Project MotiVATe because I want to play my part in instilling in the youth a pride and appreciation for their culture, their language, their family, and their community.

Life Update 3.12.2011

Hi Everyone,

It's been in a while since I sent out a life update, and I don't think I've sent one out after I graduated yet so here goes.

Some college highlights: Studying abroad in Vietnam, interning at Asian Health Services through HCC, interning at APIAHF, REACH!, Phi Nu Xi, roomies, SASC, facilitating a decal on API health, interpreting for SFHBC (now VHIO), BearWalk, teaching Englilsh at the Vietnamese Community Center

Immediately Post-Graduation

Well I graduated in 2009 with a double major in Public Health and Psychology. After I graduated, I got a job calling members of medical groups and screening them for depression. I ended up quitting, and I thought I'd be working at my mom's printing shop until I found another job.

Working at Family's Printing Company

This past year and a half, I've been working at my family's printing company. It's called Select Graphic & Printing (www.selectgp.com). We sell business cards, flyers, postcards, brochures, etc. It's funny because when I was in college, business was never something I wanted to do...one of the few things I "knew" I didn't want to do. Anyway, I ended up falling in love with the business...the learning aspect of it. I've learned a ton from marketing to sales to how to talk to people to investment vs. return, and I'm still learning a lot. I'm really passionate about using my skills and learning as much as I can to make my family's business grow. My mom and this printing company helped me pay for college, so I am trying my best to contribute what I can.

If you know anyone that needs printing or graphic design, please let me know, and I'll be happy to help. :-)

So what do I actually do there? Because it's a small business, I do a lot of everything. I take orders and do sales. I'm in charge of any marketing like promotions, search engine optimization, direct mail marketing, any advertising in magazines, newsletters, or other websites. I manage the website and take care of all the online orders that go through our website. I do almost all of the copyright (writing) on our company including content for our website, brochures, flyers, and press releases. I am privileged enough to be in a position where I can make decisions and implement ideas, and that makes the job very appealing for me because there is room for growth. I'm always trying to think outside the box to create solutions and think of ways (like changing the workflow and creating forms or price sheets) so that the office and business can run more efficiently. It's crazy sometimes, but I am learning a lot.

Nursing/Health Field

I recently applied to UCSF's Nurse Practitioner program again this year, but I was denied. Right now, my choices are either continue to work in the business or taking some more pre-requisites part-time to apply to other nurse practitioner schools. Still every time I step foot in a medical office (like today coincidentally), I feel like I want to be part of the healthcare system. Health in general is such an important priority that a lot of people fail to neglect, and I'd love to be part of the movement to make their lives more positive in that way.

Right now, I am leaning towards working at the business for a few years and then going back to school later. I still remember Marilyn saying that one's path doesn't always have to be conventional. I'm constantly reading about marketing and sales, and I still feel like I have so much transferable skills to learn and so much to contribute.

Volunteering for Mentorship Program

Besides work, I'm also volunteering as a mentor for a mentorship program called Project MotiVATe (www.projectmotivate.org). It's a mentorship for Vietnamese-American teens. I was one of the coordinators last year and now I'm a mentor this year.

We hold workshops and monthly events that address Vietnamese culture, promote civic engagement, and encourage higher education. I volunteer every Wednesday night there and also some weekends. I continue to volunteer at Project MotiVATe because I want to play my part in instilling in the youth a pride and appreciation for their culture, their language, their family, and their community. It's a really great program, and everyone from the board members to coordinators to mentors are ALL VOLUNTEERS.

In 2 weeks, we have our Gala fundraiser (Friday March 25 at 6:30pm at Mon Cheri Restaurant in Anaheim) coming up to raise money for our program (http://projectmotivate.org/gala/?page_id=2). Please consider buying a ticket to come out and support (http://projectmotivate.eventbrite.com/) or donating to the program and to the cause: http://projectmotivate.org/drupal/node/33

Acts of Kindness

Today, I was looking for my passport...I couldn't find it, but then I stumbled upon a few boxes of old postcards and letters from friends and family, and it made me think about the things people have done for me throughout the years.

These are acts of kindness I will never forget (just in order of memory and who is triggered in my memory next):

My mom- always one to save me the best piece of food...saving the shrimp for me. If she knows I'm still hungry, she would give up her portion for me. She is what I know to be unconditional love, and without her, I wouldn't know what love is.

My dad- when I first went to Berkeley, I was totally, utterly homesick. I probably cried for 2 weeks. I told him I was homesick and not feeling well and he called me every single day for those 2 weeks until I told him I was ok.

My sister- she cooks me food. :-) I appreciate it.

JD/Joseph/Hieu- Honestly I don't see him often...especially after high school. We used to hang out a lot in high school, but he has been an amazing amazing friend to me. I always feel like I can count on him, even now. When there was a problem with my car in high school, he was the first one to come out to look at it and get his dad to look at it. A few months ago, I asked him if he knew anything about routers, and he came out the next day to help me setup a router. When I think of good friends, friends who are there for you, and friends who keep their word, he is on the top of my list. He's just someone that values what he says and I respect that so so much.

Mark- This is gonna sound crazy but we took driving lessons together (for the written permit test). We were out in the parking lot and he heard what sounded like a gunshot at a nearby liquor store and he was about to cover me. I would say with conviction that he would take a bullet for me, and that is something to appreciate. I remember he made me a CD with a story of how we met, got to know each other, became closer, and grew apart...it was such a surprise. He's extremely thoughtful, and he has a huge heart for helping others. He IMs me occasionally and when he comes back to Cali, he calls me, and I appreciate his initiative to make that much effort to keep in touch with me. Friend for life.

Henoc- He kept in touch with me even though we were over 400 miles away when I was at Berkeley...we probably talked at least every other week, if not every week. When we hang out, he usually makes the drive to me, and I just really appreciate people who can go out of their way to see someone. I could tell he cares. And he gives good Christmas presents ;-) (we actually give each other almost the same Christmas present...2 years in a row now (not planned!))

John L- He put up with my crazies. Enough said...no just kidding...there's more. Along with that, he was patient with me and taught me about being independent and smart about what you do. He also drove me dozens of times from Berkeley to Anaheim, even though he hated sitting in traffic. He was kind. And I can never forget the amount of time and effort he spent on that apple box. I would thank him a billion times over because I feel like he's taught me so much about relationships as well as being practical, and I don't really know what kind of person I would have become without him there.

James- Some people say he fools around too much and because of that, they can't take him seriously, but seriously I trust him with my life. No joke. We had this incident where we were riding motorbikes in the rain in Vietnam and our friends didn't see a truck coming, swerved into another incoming truck...one friend got a big gash in his arm, and James tore off fabric and tied him up and got him to the nearest place to get fixed up. He likes to be light-hearted, but he's a person I trust in unfamiliar places without fail.

Steve- I keep remembering this one time he waited with me at the printing shop because I was trying to copy something at 2 in the morning. He asked me if I was gonna be there and he took the initiative to come there to keep me company so I wouldn't be there late at night alone. It was sad because when I was finally done, he had fallen asleep already. That meant a lot to me because when I think of a lot of my other close friends, I don't think they would have done that for me. And at a retreat when I was coughing, he was the only one out of 6 or 7 people in the room to get up to ask me if I was ok and he gave me his bottle of water.

John T.- He told me that I should back out of something, and I know he didn't have to tell me, but he said it because he cared...and I still remember it. He also offered me his chair when I was stumbling, and even though I made some sexist comment, I actually appreciated it.

Tospon and Peter- We don't speak that much now, but I will never forget how often they drove me in high school...before I got my license. I was probably a big hassle, but they were so kind to me and they drove me to all sorts of places, so when people ask me to drop them off and it's out of the way, I don't hesitate because they had done it for me when I didn't have a car.

JP- When I was crying, he gave me a talk and said just the right words to give me the courage to do the right thing. Thanks a billion.

Andy/Tuan- He made me fried rice one day in SLA...I was so surprised he made me lunch. I didn't ask for anything. It was a pleasant surprise. It meant a lot. He's one of the few friends I have from SLA still. He's gonna be a great and caring doctor someday.

Chris- When I told him about my letter from UCSF, he immediately called me to ask me if I was feeling ok. I remember things like that.

Bao Chau- She's someone that has ALWAYS gone out of her way for me...from giving me a place to stay in Vietnam and in Oakland to driving me around and making sure I'm fed and going out of her way to pick me up and drop me off in Berkeley. Friends like that are rare. I treasure that.

Lan and Anh Tan- giving me and James a place to stay in Hanoi and a mode of transportation too. It must have been inconvenient for them, but they were so nice to us. I'm grateful for that.

Thuong (Malaysia)- I came to a country only knowing one person but she made things so warm and welcoming for me...she was so so friendly, and even gave me a bed to stay in.

Thinh- inviting me over when he cooks tasty dishes. He always thinks of me...as much as he hates to admit it.

Roomies- roomie dinners, roomie outings, roomie sharing. Unhealthy foods while studying late at night. Ici ice cream. Emails. I was lucky to have you ladies as roommates, and I'm so thankful we still keep in touch.

Family in Son Tay- they didn't even know me and just took me in as one of their own. He said I could be his adopted daughter and I shared a meal with his family, and he gave me a book he really cared about.

Bruce- He ENDLESSLY supports me in my community service and in all my nursing applications and is constantly positive. He's so busy, but so kind and always takes time out his busy schedule to answer my questions or respond to me. He writes my letters of recommendation, gives me advice on statements and interviews. The best volunteer coordinator ever.

Kflee- He listened to my "I feel lonely" vents and then participated in them too. :-) He kept me sane at Berkeley and made me feel less alone.

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I am sure I have experienced millions more acts of kindness. These are a few moments off the top of my head...moments that I will never forget. Thank you a ton to everyone who has been kind to me. Pass it forward...people remember.