Right now, I feel like I am alone...not alone like I have no friends but alone like there is no one left to take care of me. I guess we surprise ourselves the most in our lowest times, and we underestimate what we are capable of.
In the last few weeks, I have been going to the gym 4-6 times a week. I know it's not that important and a lot of people do, but it's a big deal to me because I was extremely intimidated by the unfamiliar equipment, the people, the entire place. Scanning the room with the muscular guys lifting weights and the determined women doing floor exercises, I just didn't feel like I belonged. However, now after going with friends on a regular basis, it's become familiar and comfortable and a place to go regularly. I do cardio for 20-30 min and lift weights and then do floor exercises for an hour to an hour and a half. I am really proud of myself, and I know it's something small, but it's steps towards a better direction.
In the last half year, my schedule has been mostly flexible, waking up around 11am and sleeping at 3am and not having to dress or put on makeup until the afternoon. I started a coding class this past week, and I was nervous about a set schedule again, especially waking up around 7:30am every morning. I thought to myself that I've done it before and woke up even earlier when I worked in Irvine and Costa Mesa so I could do it again, but I was pretty nervous. So far, it's been more than great. It gives me a reason to wake up and get dressed in the morning.Since I wake up earlier, I have a routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face of course, feeding the dogs and giving them medicine, then grabbing a snack for breakfast, and packing lunch and snacks for the 8 hour day.
This first week of class, I brought lunch to school everyday, and I'm really proud of that as well. I planned ahead, saved some money, and ate a little bit healthier. I know it seems really small, but I've always been taken care of by my mom and my sister and my boyfriend that I almost didn't trust that I could cook or take care of myself or prepare food for myself. I must have been able to since I survived college eating at home, but somehow I still doubted myself. Now that my mom is in Vietnam, my sister moved out, and my boyfriend is now an ex, I am left to fend for myself, and I have been doing it. I've been grocery shopping and planning what I am eating each day. I am doing it!
I believe that when needed, people will rise to the occasion and do what they need to do. They will do things that they didn't think they could do. When you are in the moment, you don't have time to fear or worry. When you're in the moment, you will just do, and in no time, you're doing what you didn't believe you could. We underestimate ourselves, but when needed, people will rise up to the occasion.
Everyday, I am more confident that the breakup was the right decision, that we will both be better off without each other. But at night, after I turn off the TV, shut off my laptop, close the books, and remove all the distractions that keeps my mind occupied, my mind never ceases to wander back to the relationship. Every night is an unpredictable roller coaster of emotions still, and some nights are worse than others. I don't even know how I will feel about it from day to day. Sometimes I worry if he is ok and doing well, anxiously worried. Sometimes I feel betrayed that he didn't seem to be trying to make changes to better his life and the relationship. I've suggested everything under the sun, and all he ever did was reject them. He wanted happiness but wouldn't pursue it, in an effort to reject or spite me perhaps. Sometimes I resent that he was constantly disappointed in me and
expected me to be his salvation but would not trust or follow my guidance or suggestions. He expected me to fix his situation without lifting a finger. It just seemed so unfair. There were so many things that could benefit him, and it just seemed like he wouldn't try. Sometimes I resent that he didn't appreciate me for the little things that made me me and only asked me why I couldn't be someone else. He wished I noticed his haircuts and designer jeans, sewed the tears in his shirts, knew him better than he knew himself, understood him without words, confronted him about his feelings. He made me feel not good enough. Sometimes I'm angry that he belittled my efforts in the relationship, claiming they were easy for me to do, that I only did them for credit. To hear that was heartbreaking, that not only am I not appreciated, but the person I care about the most thinks I do it all for an ulterior, selfish motive. That was a slap in the face over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if I could have made it work or if there was a way that I missed, and I regret that I didn't work hard enough. This breakup is different though because I remind myself that I did try very hard this time but we need to both try to make it work. Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself that I failed him and us and didn't keep on trying. Sometimes I feel guilty that I was not a better girlfriend and a better friend and more patient and persistent. I told him I'd stick it through with him and didn't keep my word. I just gave up. It was hurting me. Sometimes I feel sad because I miss how we were when we were great, happy, adored each other, appreciative of each other, exercising with each other, going to church together, growing with each other, and it was so easy. I think of when we biked together at Santa Monica and when we ran the Warrior Dash together, and when people asked me about my relationship, I had no complaints because we were just perfect...and that was so long ago. It's hard.
I trust that God has a plan for both of us, and that hopefully we will both meet a partner that will understand us in the way we want to be understood, see the best in us, and make us a better version of ourselves. Until now, I hope we just have faith that tomorrow will be better and both rise to the occasion and do more than we believed we were capable of.
